Im Old Greg in Twilight

I never gave much thought to how I’d die... I was always hoping I’d drown in a pool of baileys... creamy salty beige... or maybe I’d die in the arms of a strong muscled man who’d hold me at night... I’m old Greg.
I lived in a nice little desert land... called Arizona or something.. it was okay but it was dried up like the funk after I left him out in the sun for too long, he got a wrinkly and purple like a giant prune covered in granny teats. But I had to leave to go to some town called forks so my mom could get some loving from some fancy sports player, she was getting tired of playing love games so she was gonna follow him around Florida for a bit, she asked me to come but I need to find my own man.. hopefully a man who can rub the warts on my feet, you see my foot was raped by a toad last week, and it needs a good rubbin.. I’m old Greg.
So I ended up in a town called forks, When my mom told me I was going to Washington I thought she meant I was going to live at the white house, I would have become president, I would have demanded baileys delivered to my door by Howard Moon (who at all times must be dressed in S&M... I’m old Greg). I met my dad, I suppose I should be angry, after all he did abandon me for about ten years of my life, it would explain my need for a strong man, who will rub my toad-raped feet, I never had a strong father figure as I child, I would have plucked his eyes outta his head and tucked them up ma downstairs mix-up...  but I already had the air hostesses eyes down there from the plane (When old Greg demands free baileys he gets what he wants, else I deal with them like I did Curly Jefferson).
When We got home my dad had a little present for me.
“Gregory... I brought you this” he said as he pulled the sheet of an old worn down truck with rust hanging of the sides, when I opened the door it took its chance to escape and the rust ran down the pavement.
“What d’ya think ya doin giving me this”
“I thought you’d like it”
“It’s a rusty old pile O’ junk mother licker! ...I’m gonna hurt you”
“excuse me?”
“Easy now fuzzy little man peach, I’m gonna get me a bottle of baileys and go to bed... I’m old Greg”
I woke up the next morning drunk as a bitch; I had a shoe full of baileys the night before, and was still hung-over.
I went to school the next day and a bunch of the kids were trying to be my friend, I know what they were all thinking.. Here comes old Greg, he’s a scaly man-fish... but they don’t know what I got! Suddenly a group of pale kids walked in, my new friend told me they were brothers and sisters, and they was all doin each other, old Greg’s not here to judge though... I’m old Greg.
Suddenly the best lookin mother-licker walked in, he was so beautiful I almost had an orgy in the middle of the school cafeteria.
“Who’s that?” I asked one of the girls next to me
“That’s Edward Cullen, none of the girls here are good enough for him apparently” I noticed he started laughing. I can’t stand when people start laughing when I’m trying to have a conversation. I stood up and turned to him and I shouted.
“Don’t make me deal with you the way I dealt with curly Jefferson! ...I’m Old Greg!” I like my men rude however, you know what they say, threat them mean and they’ll serenade you with their electric banjo under the full moon... or something like that... I’m Old Greg